I was the girl who couldn't get a date for prom. As in, no one asked me (until a week before my senior prom and a new co-worker felt sorry for me that I was going to my prom solo. Again.)
It was during these high school years that I developed a belief that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I had a ton of evidence to support it too. I rationalized that I must not be that bad because some guys would ask me out, just none from high school. I figured that if I didn't let those guys get too close to see that there was something wrong with me, I would be okay.
I remember a 'friend' during my senior year of high school saying to me, "What is wrong with you? You are going to lose the best thing that ever happened to you." I couldn't let that happen, so I basically went insane trying to prevent it. (Sorry, Mike) Losing my boyfriend at the time would confirm that I was defective, unlovable, and undesirable.
Thankfully, I have come a long, long way from that girl I was in high school. It took years of asking questions and breaking down the beliefs I had carefully built up over the years, but I did it.
I used to be so jealous. Of pretty girls. Smart girls. Funny girls. Rich girls. Talented girls. Basically every girl that I thought was better than me. Every girl who didn't have something fundamentally wrong with them. Every girl who had their life together.
I would criticize and cut them down to make myself feel better because I didn't want to acknowledge how much "better" they were than me.
They were the problem, not me.
It took a long time to realize that instead of cutting everyone else down that I could build myself up....because there was nothing wrong with me.
And all the fears and insecurities I had, all these other girls carried as well.
When I got that my being jealous of them was really rooting for someone else to win my guy, I was dumbfounded. Why would I root for someone else when we are happy together? Why would I root for someone else to be in a relationship with my guy, when he is the one who chose to be with me?
I am so much happier and peaceful in life, now that I am not treating everyone as a threat or competitor. I know I am the best version of me and that is enough.
For more on this subject, check out last week's Friday at Five.
I tried to fit in to this reality; I did everything I was 'supposed' to do: went to college, got a job, bought a house. And I was absolutely miserable. It was went I lost everything that I found the greatest gift. I found myself. I went back to my roots and explored all things 'hooey,' weird, and 'out there.' I embraced my psychic gifts and started using my intuition again, which allowed me to re-discover the magic and mystery that does exist in this life (when we are brave enough to embrace it).