Hey Jealousy....

I was the girl who couldn't get a date for prom.  As in, no one asked me (until a week before my senior prom and a new co-worker felt sorry for me that I was going to my prom solo. Again.)

It was during these high school years that I developed a belief that there was something fundamentally wrong with me.  I had a ton of evidence to support it too.  I rationalized that I must not be that bad because some guys would ask me out, just none from high school.  I figured that if I didn't let those guys get too close to see that there was something wrong with me, I would be okay.

I remember a 'friend' during my senior year of high school saying to me, "What is wrong with you? You are going to lose the best thing that ever happened to you."  I couldn't let that happen, so I basically went insane trying to prevent it.  (Sorry, Mike) Losing my boyfriend at the time would confirm that I was defective, unlovable, and undesirable.  

Thankfully, I have come a long, long way from that girl I was in high school.  It took years of asking questions and breaking down the beliefs I had carefully built up over the years, but I did it.

I used to be so jealous.  Of pretty girls. Smart girls. Funny girls. Rich girls. Talented girls.  Basically every girl that I thought was better than me.  Every girl who didn't have something fundamentally wrong with them.  Every girl who had their life together.

I would criticize and cut them down to make myself feel better because I didn't want to acknowledge how much "better" they were than me.  

They were the problem, not me.

It took a long time to realize that instead of cutting everyone else down that I could build myself up....because there was nothing wrong with me. 

And all the fears and insecurities I had, all these other girls carried as well.

When I got that my being jealous of them was really rooting for someone else to win my guy, I was dumbfounded.  Why would I root for someone else when we are happy together? Why would I root for someone else to be in a relationship with my guy, when he is the one who chose to be with me? 

I am so much happier and peaceful in life, now that I am not treating everyone as a threat or competitor.  I know I am the best version of me and that is enough.

For more on this subject, check out last week's Friday at Five.