I was the girl who couldn't get a date for prom. As in, no one asked me (until a week before my senior prom and a new co-worker felt sorry for me that I was going to my prom solo. Again.)
It was during these high school years that I developed a belief that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I had a ton of evidence to support it too. I rationalized that I must not be that bad because some guys would ask me out, just none from high school. I figured that if I didn't let those guys get too close to see that there was something wrong with me, I would be okay.
I remember a 'friend' during my senior year of high school saying to me, "What is wrong with you? You are going to lose the best thing that ever happened to you." I couldn't let that happen, so I basically went insane trying to prevent it. (Sorry, Mike) Losing my boyfriend at the time would confirm that I was defective, unlovable, and undesirable.
Thankfully, I have come a long, long way from that girl I was in high school. It took years of asking questions and breaking down the beliefs I had carefully built up over the years, but I did it.
I used to be so jealous. Of pretty girls. Smart girls. Funny girls. Rich girls. Talented girls. Basically every girl that I thought was better than me. Every girl who didn't have something fundamentally wrong with them. Every girl who had their life together.
I would criticize and cut them down to make myself feel better because I didn't want to acknowledge how much "better" they were than me.
They were the problem, not me.
It took a long time to realize that instead of cutting everyone else down that I could build myself up....because there was nothing wrong with me.
And all the fears and insecurities I had, all these other girls carried as well.
When I got that my being jealous of them was really rooting for someone else to win my guy, I was dumbfounded. Why would I root for someone else when we are happy together? Why would I root for someone else to be in a relationship with my guy, when he is the one who chose to be with me?
I am so much happier and peaceful in life, now that I am not treating everyone as a threat or competitor. I know I am the best version of me and that is enough.
For more on this subject, check out last week's Friday at Five.
4/11/2019 11:57:50 am
9/10/2019 03:38:33 pm
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9/16/2019 06:02:23 pm
Jealousy is one of the attributes I do not like. It is so hard to do and be productive once you feel jealousy. There are times that I should not be jealous, but I am. Jealousy can always kills you and enables you to do things you thought you cannot. It is a form of feeling that is hard to maintain and hard to forget. Every time I observe girls, they were just like that. I wonder on how they control this kind of feeling.
9/17/2019 08:45:41 am
My experience has shown me that jealousy is a result of insecurity. When I am insecure within myself, then I am looking at all the ways others are 'better' than I am. When I am secure in who I am, I do not look at others as competition because we are all the same, just different bodies. Working on being confident in yourself, your body and being the best person you can be (i.e. the type of person that you want to be friends with and have in your own life) is the best way to eliminate jealous feelings and thoughts. They simply can't exist if there is no competition or feeling of lesser than someone else.
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I tried to fit in to this reality; I did everything I was 'supposed' to do: went to college, got a job, bought a house. And I was absolutely miserable. It was went I lost everything that I found the greatest gift. I found myself. I went back to my roots and explored all things 'hooey,' weird, and 'out there.' I embraced my psychic gifts and started using my intuition again, which allowed me to re-discover the magic and mystery that does exist in this life (when we are brave enough to embrace it).