I made self care a priority a priority when I was single and looking. I had a workout routine and watched what I ate; I shaved regularly; I wore make up regularly. I was following what all the marketers said we needed to do to feel sexy and attract a partner.
After I met my ex-boyfriend and we had dated for about six months, I was happy to be past the 'honeymoon' period. I felt like now that I 'had' him, I didn't have to work as hard on myself. I stopped wearing make up, unless it was a special occasion. He liked me any way. I indulged in more comfort foods, since ordering take out and watching movies was a way to spend time together, I stopped working out regularly. Why spend time doing that when I could spend time together with him? Once winter hit, I stopped shaving. No one else would see my legs and my boyfriend would like me anyway.
But as I made all these changes in my life, another change appeared in our relationship. The closeness and connection that we had at the beginning was fading. Sex was happening way less often (or not at all). Kissing stopped, other than a quick peck hello/goodbye (or goodnight). I stopped desiring his arms around me because I was afraid that any intimacy would lead to sex, which was something I wasn't interested in. I told myself I was too tired, too stressed, too much to do.
The truth was that I didn't enjoy it.
As the years went on, and we became glorified roommates, I became very unhappy. I hated life. I resented my relationship. Even though superficially it looked like most of my friend's relationship's, I craved closeness and connection. I craved being loved and being in love.
I was aware enough to know that my feeling this way had little to do with him and all to do with me. I started looking up female sexual dysfunction and focusing on finding what was wrong with me. My whole adult life, up to this point, centered around that one thought. Something is wrong with me and I need to find it, so I can fix it.
Somewhere on my journey to fix my life, I stumbled on a book, "The Power of Your Subconscious Mind." It was a mind blowing book. I had to read it several times to digest everything that was presented, and then I went to work on me.
I knew I felt better when I worked out and when I ate (or rather didn't eat) certain foods. I knew I felt sexier with smooth legs and when I wore make up. So I started adding these things back into my life and, as I started feeling better about myself, I was actually able to receive the love that had always been there.
When I wasn't feeling good about myself, it didn't matter what my partner said or did. It didn't matter if he told me he loved me 500 times. It didn't matter if he looked at me with love in his eyes, appreciating me for who I was. It didn't matter because it wasn't true for me.
I didn't believe that he could love me. I could believe he was just saying it. I didn't believe he could look at me with love in his eyes. I could believe that he was looking to pick out what was wrong with me and ask himself why he was with me. That thought resonated with my belief of myself. The others (the kind, loving ones) didn't.
How we feel and what we believe to be true about ourselves directly ties into what we will be able to receive from others. We will devote our time and focus validating those beliefs. Anything that doesn't validate them will be ignored or twisted in a such a way until it does.
So if you've lost that loving feeling, one question you could ask is, "how much do I love myself?" Or "how good do I feel about myself?"
We can only receive where we are at, so if we are desiring more, it begins with us being able to receive it.
Want to hear more? Check out Episode 6 of Friday at Five.
I tried to fit in to this reality; I did everything I was 'supposed' to do: went to college, got a job, bought a house. And I was absolutely miserable. It was went I lost everything that I found the greatest gift. I found myself. I went back to my roots and explored all things 'hooey,' weird, and 'out there.' I embraced my psychic gifts and started using my intuition again, which allowed me to re-discover the magic and mystery that does exist in this life (when we are brave enough to embrace it).