Where We Focus

I was upset with my guy a few weeks ago and some not nice thoughts started cropping up.  

What started the upset is that I had an expectation on something and he didn't meet it.  I couldn't tell you what it was at this moment (which shows how little of importance it was).  It may have been that I asked him to lunch and he said no.  Or I asked him to take out the trash and he forgot.

What I did notice, which was super important, is how quickly my mind started working to accumulate evidence in support of my upset.  My thought was initially focused on how disappointed I was, and my monkey mind quickly spiraled into all the reasons why I was justified in my thinking.  I started racking my brain for other times I was let down by him.

Most of this happened unconsciously....meaning that I wasn't even aware of what I was doing!

It wasn't until I thought of an event that happened four or five years ago that I caught myself and went, "whoa!"

Because I was focused on an upset, my monkey mind quickly gathered more thoughts and situations to perpetuate and valid that feeling of upset, even if it meant going back YEARS. 

I could have stayed mad and upset.  I could have vented all that evidence at my guy, criticizing him for letting me down.

And, in fact, I have done that in prior relationships.  I have argued and justified how I was 'right' and my partner was 'wrong.' I shared all the evidence in favor of my 'rightness.'  

What that created was me being in the habit of looking for ways he was wrong and letting me down. 

I had inadvertently focused myself on the negatives of the relationship, so rather than looking at everything that was going right in the relationship (and everything he was doing 'right' to support me), I kept focusing on everything that was wrong or missing.

That didn't create the connection I wanted in my personal relationship. It destroyed it.

Once I realized what path I was going down, I switched my thinking.  I started appreciating everything that my guy does do, every day, often without my asking.

I switched my focus to his good qualities - those qualities that attracted me to him in the first place.  Those qualities that keep me attracted to him after all these years.

Upsets will happen in relationships. 

Relationships consist of two people - two people with their own wants, needs and desires.

But we don't have to get stuck there.  We don't have to focus on everything wrong or missing.

When we start focusing on what we do have and all the goodness that does exist, our relationships will be able to continue to grow. 

And this focus applies to every aspect of our lives.

 Did you catch last week's Friday at Five? You can listen here.